Where I’m from, that word means, hit, beaten, brought down. It describes how I feel perfectly.

Last night Gordon Craigie from iScot magazine, who has been writing an article about our situation, called to let me ken it’s finished, and to double check all the facts etc were right. So he read it to me over the phone, as he’d written it out. I listened to our own story as others will hopefully read it and Gordon never knew the tears were pouring down my face and I’d to stifle making any sounds beyond the correct, polite, responses. (sorry Gordon, if you ever read this!).

All along he has been incredibly kind, never once making us feel like just another statistic, or that we simply didn’t matter. In fact it hit me how much kindness I’ve had from “ordinary” people. Who turn out to be, after all, extraordinary in their capacity for kindness. I hope folks do read it, whether it’s up on their website or in the magazine. Not because I want attention but because the outside world, and other Scots, NEED to know that it doesn’t matter how good a government you think you have, if there’s a “bigger picture” and you don’t fit in it, you WILL be sacrificed. Cannon fodder in the political war. And they won’t give a damn about you.

That’s our position.

And when I put the phone down, I’d to go lock myself in the bathroom a while and sit holding in gasping, silent sobs so as to not alarm Alice.

Because, it’s floored me, all this. Brought home to me just what our situation is. I’ve been with Frans for ten years or more, married for seven. He’s the love of my life. The fact he is a European shouldn’t bother anyone, matter to anyone, and we never thought it did.

Until, England. England’s xenophobic knee jerk “throw them all out” Brexit vote.

And THIS is what it’s done to us. Made exiles of us, split our family. If anyone reads this and they’re reading it at home, take a look around you. You’ve probably got your belongings around you, like we have. A favourite chair or sofa. Pictures on the wall, books lining shelves you spent many happy hours reading. A home is MORE than just a roof, it’s where you’re most comfortable, where you’re happiest, with your family around you, if you’re lucky enough to have both.

We have that. And England is taking it all away from us. And Scotland is letting them. Not the Scottish people. The Scottish government. The First Minister and her MPs. The ones that  could have, instead of rolling over on this, fought Westminster by telling them firmly that we are NOT going to be thrown out of our own country, because we belong to Scotland, not England.

I will always, now, consider them cowards. And I know that offends the politicial sensibilities of so many Scots who have blind faith in them and likely always will. No doubt I’ll be attacked for it.

But when you are at the stage of losing home and family, you cease giving a fuck, frankly, what others think. For me, it’s the truth.

Our First Minister is busy telling Scotland and the world “All Europeans are welcome in Scotland”. We even had two of the same letters to our home telling us that , which was like rubbing salt into an open wound.

Well, what about us, Nicola? My  man is European and YOUR government is letting him be thrown out of the country because nobody will liaise with the Belgian authorities, or attempt to find a real solution to our problem. I asked. Hell, let’s be honest, I openly and privately BEGGED til my own pride and dignity was in the dirt. I’ll do what it takes to protect my family. Wouldn’t anyone?

I hope what England has done, is doing, ends with Brexit. That Scotland goes free of it and finds her own strength, because she needs to.

But I’ve no illusions now, about the SNP, the only vehicle there is…currently…for independence. No illusions about how little the individual Scot matters to them, or the so called NewScot they are busy welcoming (all except my Flemish husband) or those Europeans who, feeling the strain of Brexit and lack of protection for them offered by Scotgov, are leaving Scotland in droves, heavy hearted.

You, Scotgov, must bear at least a portion of the blame for this situation. Because, you didn’t find a way, didn’t have it in you, to protect those you are busy lying to by touting “All Europeans welcome in Scotland”.

And I’m still crying. I ken in my gut I’ll never be a Scot again. Somehow, I know it. Independence won’t come in time for me. This is the place of my ancestors. In *this* place I called Home, I know every contour of the landscape, every way the sunlight falls and unrolls across it from dawn to dusk. I know the morning birdsong and the evening gales off The Minch, and the lambs bleating to their mams on the hills. I KNOW this land. I LOVE this land. Until now, I belonged to it.

And the Scottish government have let English politics evict me from it. Another Clearances.

Scotland, take a lesson from this. You are so busy believing they, and they alone know when the time is right to try for independence. Listen to YOUR gut, your instinct. If it isn’t telling you we’re rapidly running out of time, then your heart and mind is closed to what is happening to our country.

I’m still crying. And even when the tears dry up, I’ll spend the rest of my days in a land not my own, still crying.



16 thoughts on “Floored.

  1. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this and I know that doesn’t help your situation but if there is anything ANYTHING I can do to help. Will you please let me know. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t wish to pry too much but how much are you losing financially due to this dreadful position you will find yourself in?


    1. The disability benefit works out at just under £200 for both of us, I think (it’s in euros of course). But that’s not each, that’s for both, per week. We pay rent and bills etc from it. No housing or council tax benefits for us.


    1. No. I’ve tried everyone, from First Minister, various MSP, MPs, MEPs, EU MPs, Belgian MPs, and nobody will help us. Belgium *could* continue paying their disabled citizens, regardless of what UKgov does. Holland is. But they won’t, out of petty spite.


  3. Phyl, I don’t know what to say. It’s heartbreaking. As a Scot, I’m ashamed on behalf of my nation. Most of us never voted for this but it’s being forced upon us regardless and the FM herself will not, somehow, stand up for those of us at the sharp end of Brexit. What angers me greatly is the constant “All Europeans are welcome in Scotland” when it’s clearly not the case. I thought, at first, it was just those of us at the bottom of the financial heap. I can see I was wrong. Scotgov needed to step up and defy WM on this. That they didn’t is something they should hang their heads over for the rest of their days. On a personal note..something I don’t talk of too much is, I fully understand the stress of your cancer issue. I’ve been diagnosed with possibly malignant ovarian growths, here in Scotland. With just eight days left I cancelled my hospital appointment, because obviously, I can’t have serious surgery in such a short time. I know what you want through, what you ARE going through. I wish to gods I could help. Please know me and my family are wishing you and yours only the very best for the future. It’s no consolation, but with what’s clearly coming for Scotland, as someone recently said to me, maybe we’ll be better off out of it….Stay strong. x


  4. I think the thing that angers my husband the most too is the way Nicola keeping posting links to things like the 87 year old Danish lady Tove Macdonald who was being made to apply for settled status, saying how welcome she was and how upsetting it was to see. She is the one person who should be able to do something. We’re way past the point of kind words. He wrote about it here: https://www.arcofprosperity.org/launching-my-own-lifeboat-scotland-wont-escape-soon-enough/.
    I’m so sorry to hear about your health issues too. I’ll keep following your blog and wish you well. Maybe people are right: we’re better off out of this.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I too was angered by the Tove thing…Not at the lady herself or the publicity she was receiving! But, it’s easy for FM to make the right noises. What would count is actions. And we’ve had none. Michael Russell MP was the one who informed us first that under the terms of the current WA, those on disability benefit are not covered. Since then I’ve been fighting to get the same transition period everyone else will get, with no results. Nobody in SNP or Scotgov is publicising this issue. I ask them to and they just don’t respond. So tired of the “hands are tied” attitude when it’s nothing more than a Scotgov PR exercise whenever someone like Tove or your good selves is publicised. What we need is action, not just words. Though, even if we do get a transition period, ultimately, we aren’t allowed to remain in Scotland after it due to the WA terms. Born here, bred here, hubs chose here as his home, and the Scots gov is allowing English politics to throw us all out. What kind of government is that? Sorry….far too easy for me to rant these days, sorry. :/ Somehow, folks like us, you and your husband, and mine and all the others, we’ll make it. But damn, I don’t think any of us will forget, or forgive.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I could probably have forgotten /forgiven if it had happened at a time when I could keep all my kids together but leaving two at uni here and taking the others out cos they’re between 9&11 means my family may never all live in the same country again, through their inaction and that is hard to swallow.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Understood, totally. We leave behind our adult daughter, but she has Asperger’s Syndrome and still needs us. I worry about when we can return to get her passport, how long we’ll have to move our belongings, etc….I’m no longer naive enough to believe UKgov didn’t realise the harm they’d be doing by Brexit. I’ve a feeling (and am disgusted by them) that frankly, they’re revelling in it. And I’m a hard woman, especially when it comes to family being hurt. So I only hope this comes back, somehow, to haunt them. There *should* be a day of reckoning for them. I just hope I’m around to see it.


  7. I am so very sorry. I can’t believe we are still treading water with yet again another amendment to hope fully ask for another section 30 order. I despair.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I honestly believe the window of opportunity for Scotland to achieve independence shrinks by the day. If we don’t seize the chance soon, WM will abolish HRA, close down Holyrood and we’ll return to pre-parliament days. And I’m auld enough to remember how bad that was!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Not in such desperate straits as you but looking round, most of my stuff is in boxes… Refuse to stay in a Brexit’ed Britain and I have dual nationality so I’m taking my Welsh guy with me!

    All the best. We are fellow Brexiles.


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